I had a powerful experience this week. I led a focus group to get input on building newlywed coaching groups. 4 couples who have been married for less than a month to nearly 2 years participated. The energy built as each couple realized they were not alone in dealing with some real challenges at the "newlywed" stage of life when things are supposed to be crazy-in-love, time-of-your-life, full-of-happiness times.
As each couple talked, they found great encouragement in knowing it is "normal" to have a less-than-perfect relationship. The pressure to be head-over-heels in love and experiencing the perfect season of marriage lifted, life entered the conversation, and hope for building strong marriages grew. Wow, does it get any better than that??!
The truth is, everyone has their struggles. Even the people in the most dynamic relationship you know work through tough times. The greatest accomplishment of my life is the marriage and family life my husband, Jon, and I have built together, but we've had to be very intentional to do that. When I teach conflict management at the university, I consistently share with my students that my marriage is the most rewarding piece of my life, but it has also been one of the hardest things I've done. Every hour we invest, every dollar we spend, every date night we plan are completely worth it. Jon is truly my best friend, and I am so grateful!
The problem is that people rarely talk about the hard part. So we compare the worst of our life to the picture perfect posts on Facebook or Instagram. Who hasn't felt empty when the beautiful pictures of Fourth of July festivities show smiling happy marriages and families, and we know firsthand the tough times our family faced this past week? But we tell ourselves that something must be wrong with us, we feel bad about what's happening, and we bury the reality under plastic smiles. Bottom line: the quickest way to destroy the dream you have for your home is to hide.
Author John Ortberg wrote a favorite book of mine, called "Everyone's Normal Until You Get to Know Them". In it he states, "Hiding is a curse... Hiding is motivated by shame. It involves pretending and deceiving. Hiding is the place of fear and anxiety." None of those things come close to moving your relationships forward, would you agree? So let me ask you some questions:
On a scale of 1-10 (1 being completely hidden and 10 being completely open), how truthful are you with yourself, your partner, and others about what is happening with your home?
What are you hiding that is keeping your home from being all you dream?
Take Steps to Build Your Dream
The exciting part is that powerful growth can happen when you take action! Relationships that thrive make a habit of the following actions:
1. Get Real.
Having worked with thousands of relationships over the past 20 years, I am convinced the most important step to see the progress you want is to be honest about where you are. Honest with yourself. Honest with your partner. Honest with someone who will unconditionally support you and not shut you down with judgement.
When you get real, a powerful flood of energy will begin to flow. Truth slays the denial monster that saps your power and opens the way for life-giving growth to begin!
2. Find support.
People with relationships that grow are humble enough to know they don't want to do it alone. The self-sufficiency of our culture severely damages the greatest tool to build the marriage and family you desire: unbiased, safe, trustworthy, and life-giving people who are fully committed to your desires. A good listener that asks powerful questions can create clarity and provide fresh perspectives that get you past "stuck".
One Thing I Know For Sure
This I know for sure... it is possible to pursue the dream you have for your home. Change absolutely can happen, and your relationships can thrive! You are not the only one who wants more. Those who experience it take action.
Some items for your "to do" list for today? Stop hiding, get real, find some support, and make true progress. Join the spirit of my newlywed couples and decide to build a great home!
